May 20, 2011

Blankie

old Blankie
Once upon a time, a hairy-eyed toddler named Pigtails snuggled up with a nice clean blanket.  It was soft with a pink band of silk smoothing the edge. A delightful blanket, she never left home without it and would be terminally scarred if anything ever happened to it.

One cold Saturday afternoon, her knucklehead father didn't realize Pigtails stuffed Blankie down her pants to come along for a ride at the mall's indoor playground.  While zinging down the slide, she casually extracted Blankie and chucked the pink wad at her dad's head.  He sat it next to him for safe keeping. 

Back at the ranch that night, Pigtails, barely at the age of speaking, asked, "Daddy, where's Bankie?" 

Good question. 

Blankie, back when it was a pillowcase
We checked high and low.  Hamper and playroom.  Underpants drawer and snow pants closet.  No luck.  Looked in the washer and dryer, the latter scarfs socks, you know.  We dug through the garage, in the car, under the car, the Turdley (that's what I call the cheapo off-brand Burley) and the stroller.  

Pigtails was bawling by this time, hot and red in the face.  

I ransacked the kitchen, bathroom (even the toilet), every closet and my pockets.  

Pigtails sobbed, "Oh no, Bankie got dead!"

Uh oh, I think we left Blankie at the mall.

Called the mall, they were closed.  But the mall cop said he'd issue a code 72.  Which either translates to report silky pink Blankie missing or I'm going to destroy a box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes once I step off my Segway at break time.  Interrogated lost and found the next morning, no Blankie.

Time to break the bad news to Pigtails.  I told her Blankie had passed away and gone to heaven.

The conversation didn't go very well.

Her mom had just poofed for good, and Pigtails' one comfort that soothed had, for all we knew, gone home with mall cop Paul Blart.  

When I told her, she screamed B-L-A-N-K-I-E, NOOO!!  

I instinctively peeled the Hello Kitty case off her pillow and told her to snuggle that instead.  It was to be Pillowcase Blankie.  For some reason that made sense to a 2-year-old, Pigtails called it Suitcase Blankie.  The plan was for Suitcase Blankie to be a temporary fix until I could pick her up another, but she quickly bonded and it stuck.

Blankie is now 7 years old, or 84 in blanket years.   And disgusting.  She (Pigtails confirmed Blankie is female) is filthier than a urinal backplash in a men's restroom for the blind.  

Blankie has undergone reconstructive plastic surgery to repair a rip.  Then we knotted her in half (Blankie, not Pigtails) after the sewing repair shredded. 

what a disaster
Washing Blankie only slightly reduces the stench to nuclear gag level 8 and seems to stir up the bacteria to spawn even more aggressively. 

Pigtails will be 9 soon and shows no sign of cold shouldering the snot rag.  Don't tell her I told you that, she probably realizes she's getting a tad past prime for the thing.  And her feelings would be hurt if she knew I called her blanket a snot rag.  I'm scared to touch it, the abomination is a biohazard and likely burns on contact. 

Tell me, what does your little one bond with?  Stuffed animal, blanket, serrated knives or something else?

-Beard
    





24 comments:

  1. Okay, I did enjoy that post perhaps more than a Unicorn poem. Very cute and funny. The last few paragraphs had me rolling not only because they are funny, but true. My son has a "blanket" that could give pigtails' a run for her money. It is reaching its hundredth birthday and I'm afraid to wash it because it might disintegrate. What once was white, is now charcoal gray. My daughter on the other hand has had a bear for 6 years and it’s pristine. There should be some tracking device, micro-chip or beeper insert to find lovies. Hmm, off to get a patent!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blankie is still alive, but only a little.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous3/22/2012

    My two and a half year old is deathly attached to his blankly tool. Won't go to bed with out it or be comforted when he cries with out it. I bought 3 just I. Case I lose one. God orbis blankly goes missing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smart plan picking up multiples, lesson learned. But then she'd figure out the triplets thing and beg us to bring all three along.

      Delete
  3. I'm not sure if I should admit to this, but I am two months away from 19.. and still haven't slept a wink without my baby blanket. It has traveled to Europe and back twice, to rural Alaskan villages, and I always have to pack accordingly around it. SO, there may never be an end if she's anything like me. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can only imagine the stench of that filthy rag.

      Delete
  4. Anonymous3/23/2012

    i follow younghouselove to your blog. you're funny:) I had a ladybug soft toy that my nana made for me. i actually had that thing in my bed till i was about 13.... so yeah, good luck getting rid of blankie;)
    Nora

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had a blanket named Jackie growing up. Remember crying when it ripped in half, the love is real.

      Delete
  5. My brother only gave up his "blanket" (it was originally knit, but had fallen so far apart and been stitched back together so many times by the end that it was shaped and looked like a mop) when he was ~20 yrs old. That's when our childhood dog died, and he let the blanket stay with our dog's remains.

    (Am wondering if, for my brother's sake, I should post this anonymously .. but let's face it I'm a little sister so the answer is no.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm telling your brother you blabbed.

      Delete
  6. bad news friend. i'm 24 and married and still sleep with my blankie. my husband, not my mom, is now the one who has to tell me it needs washing. i actually leave it at home when i travel for fear of leaving it at hotels.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a homemade Care Bear that my grandma made me when I was 3 (I'm turning 33 in a month!). He traveled to camp, college and even a year in China with me. When I got married he finally got kicked out of the bed. We spent two years in Africa in the Peace Corps and I missed him dearly, but was thankful that he wasn't eaten by termites and mice. When I was on bedrest in the hospital, my husband brought him to keep me company. Now I have a 2 year old daughter who has found him and thinks he is hers. Sorry Honey, he's Mommy's! I do have two other subsequent Care Bears that my grandma made that were never loved as much that I am pushing on her. Tough sell, when the original bear was so obviously loved.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I have a stuffed dalmatian that I got after my actual dalmatian passed away when I was 25. I sleep with that faker every single night. Boyfriend does NOT love it. He thinks it's disgusting. Oh well.

      Delete
    3. Stacey, do you still use A Binkie?


      Kristy, How dirty was Care Bear that even African rats wouldn't touch him?

      Delete
  7. I am 35 and still sleep with my pillow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am 35 and also sleep with a pillow. But I suspect yours is a special pillow.

      Delete
  8. Anonymous3/27/2012

    yep, I'm 25 and still love my blankie. Admittedly, I let my boyfriend take her place at night, but she's still my go-to comfort item that I keep neatly rolled up next to the bed...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've noticed that blankies are always female.

      Delete
  9. My 5 year old son still has his original blankie and I have to secretly wash it at night once he's already asleep or he'll cry. Blankie is in his very own words his "best friend". It's a hand-knit blankie with huge holes all over it and I have no clue how to fix it. Even with the holes, he loves it so much that he's vowed to never give it up.

    Reading about pigtails and the comments from readers - I'm scared he just may keep his vows!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha, I'm not the only one that does the secret stealth night wash thing.

      Delete
  10. I never had a blankie when I was little. I did however have a box of fabric squares my mother had every intention of sewing into a blanket for me. Of course it wasn't until I was 25 that it was finally completed. It now resides on my spare bedroom bed along with my beloved cabbage patch doll. Both of which I fully intend to give to my first female offspring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remember mom getting up early to stand in line at K·B Toys for a Cabbage Patch doll for my sister. I suppose she probably tucked a set of brass knuckles inside her giant purse. Did anyone die over a Cabbage Patch stampede, say in 1983?

      Delete
    2. I've heard about those stampedes for the cabbage patch doll. I'm sure my mother was right up there duking it out for my blonde haired, blue eyed mini me.

      Delete
  11. I'm nearly 30 and I still have my stuffed dog, Henry (so says his name on his nametag). He belonged to my brother before I was born, so he's almost 42. He's also had a lot of surgeries. But I can't bear to get rid of him!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for the note, check back for my response!