Jun 21, 2011

Short Beards are Not Creepy, Take the Card

Halfway to 20, a ways to go before we draw the Target cardI look forward to the day when I can give this thing away, I've had it with that presumptuous little punk dog 

A reader mentioned folks may be skittish sharing their address if they win.  More likely, people think guys with beards are creepy.  Fear not, I'm currently clean shaven.  Plus, short beards are fine.  Below's a color-coded facial hair creep-scale to help you decode:

Highly Creepy

Facial hair in the code red category includes handlebar mustaches, frowners, mutton chops* and unkempt frontal neck hair.

Dudes in this group tend to drive ice cream trucks and flash tattoos needled on painful areas like knuckles and eyelids.  They possibly haven't showered in a week and smell like the downwind side of a pork packing plant on a 90 degree day with no air conditioning.  Avoid direct eye contact and don't sign up for free Target cards.

*Note:  Possible bump to slightly creepy if mutton chops are there for Civil War reenactment purposes. 

Slightly Creepy

Code orange facial hair includes curly french mustaches, overgrown monobrows, nose hair that pokes down far enough to touch the upper lip, Fu Manchus and anything resembling Colonel Sanders. 

A tad creepy but mostly harmless, male versions of cat ladies may fall into this category.  Awkward but safe, probably okay to go ahead and sign up for a free Target card.




Benign
 
Code green facial hair includes goatees, short beards*, 5 o'clock shadows, Magnum P.I. walrus 'staches and hairy ear holes.  Men in their 50's attempting badassness (soul patches), grandpas (hairy ear canals) and me (short beard in cold weather only) fall into this category.

Other than the occasional mayonnaise smear in the beard or mustache, this group is safe.  Go ahead and sign up for a free Target card.

*Note:  Beards under 2" are benign, 3" - 4" are slightly creepy and anything longer than 4" shifts into the red zone (ZZ Top, bin Laden and that weird mailman).  Exceptions for Santa Clause, the Amish and Hasidic Jews; they get a pass and are benign, regardless of length.  Unless they drive an ice cream truck.

Hope that helps. 

If you haven't already, please leave a comment to sign up for the Follower Freebie.  I'll add your name to the drawing.

Thanks!

-Beard (short and non-creepy)
 

14 comments:

  1. This post is hilarious! Thank God there is finally a color coded creep scale:)

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  2. @Cari - Just a friendly PSA.

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  3. Anonymous2/26/2012

    I hope this article is more of a joke, but just in case you are as ignorant as you seem, there is nothing wrong with any length of beard. Real men grow their beards because they have the ability for a reason. Men were not given beards to scrape off their face every day. That is why men and only men can grow beards. Furthermore, the pic you labeled as "highly creepy" is of a young man named Andrew, which you stole from beards.org. In fact, you have clearly violated the copy rights of that site. It's shallow people like you that make the world a crappy place today. Grow up and quit being judgmental.

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    Replies
    1. You nailed it, I am as ignorant as I seem, and unable to grow a beard. Cheers!

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  4. Wow....Anonymous has ZERO sense of humor. Maybe they had a bad day. Maybe a clean shaven person cut them off in traffic. Or maybe they're just as judgemental as they claim you are.

    Either way, I enjoyed this post :)

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    Replies
    1. Perhaps Anon up there has a man-crush on my stubble?

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  5. Anonymous3/22/2012

    I LOLed! your good in my book ;)

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  6. Anonymous3/23/2012

    Good. Lord. This made me laugh. And just when I was over it I read the comments. Anonymous1 made me laugh all over again. You are one high strung dude. Simmer down. Try smiling once in awhile. It's a great feeling, regardless of whether you have a full beard or are clean shaven.

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    Replies
    1. Do you suppose Anon up there in the red creepy zone?

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  7. trinamick4/16/2012

    My husband has been on the list under each and every one of the colors. I have to admit the "Grizzy Adams" look is the scariest of them all. I can now sleep in peace knowing that the ear hair is in the green. Thanks.

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    Replies
    1. So has mine. =)
      And yes, lol.

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  8. Anonymous9/04/2012

    The French curly moustache is a true handlebar, where as the "hulk Hogan" is actually a horse shoe...just an fyi otherwise good job, cheers!

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    Replies
    1. You are the mustache maestro (hat tip).

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Thanks for the note, check back for my response!