Aug 8, 2011

Beard's Back, Pigtails Poofed

Writer's respite expired.  As a bored monkey flings its poop, so shall I resume throwing fistfuls of steaming posts.

Going on week two of three without Pigtails.  This dad has primary custody (as it should be), so our decree stipulates three continuous weeks of summer with her mom to help level the scale.

You are probably thinking:  Lucky, living the dream!  Kidless for weeks, YEE HAW!!  Bust out the booze, babes and bottle rockets!!

I admit, that feeling lasts for a little while, maybe two days.  Then the empty house sours into a quiet liability.

In a given year, my daughter's with me close to 90% of the time, so this apart thing's tough.  She sobbed on the phone yesterday when I buzzed her.  I had a knot in my throat, must be summer allergies or something.

Taking advantage by wrapping up a couple small house projects.  Worked till 7:00 Friday night since I wasn't looking forward to coming home to crickets.

Don't tell Pigtails, but this is also prime time to infiltrate her room, cleaning out all the crap she won't let me get rid of when she's here.  That girl is sentimental and hoardy, clinging to junk for years.  When I do throw something of hers away, I must bury it in the bottom of the trash can, lest she finds it, carefully retrieves it, then holds it high and scolds me for tossing her "special paper towel roll she's had since she was a baby."

For you mom and dads that share custody, do you enjoy your free time when junior's away?  Or are you miserable?  Maybe somewhere in between?  Did any of you give birth to a hoarder?  Let me know in the Comments.

Time to go fire bottle rockets or something.



  1. When the kid is away, that's the BEST time to clean out their room! Kids are born-hoarders, and have no concept of the Board of Health. So you do them a great favor to tell them that the filthiness fairy came and took all the dirty stuff. Great story, Beard.

  2. Rachael8/09/2011

    You're such a big sappy dad. Love it!

  3. My husband and I just separated 5 months ago and since I've never been apart from them. I spent my first night away from them last Friday and it almost killed me. I don't know how he does it.

    And hoarding? Don't even get me started. I'm the cleaning ninja. Gotta be or else I'll be buried up to my neck in useless McD toys and other various things my kids call toys. ;)

  4. I have 100% custody and could not imagine giving my son to his father for even a day! But I have left him over night with my parents a few times, and basically had an anxiety attack over it :)

  5. Yay, welcome back! I hope the time goes fast for you with Pigtails gone, I couldn't do it, and I luckily don't have to.

    My daughter is a hoarder, I'm worried for her when she moves out on her own. I have to do the same thing, but it never fails that she will notice the one lone purple sparkly barbie shoe is missing and be distraught for hours. Oh the drama.

    I also have a theory that stuffed animals and junk in Tupperware bins multiply.

  6. @Zach, I'll take your tip and tell Pigtails the Filthy Fairy stopped by when she goes bonkers discovering all the useless crap I trashed.

    @Rachael, right on, I'm tough but melt easily.

    @Nina the Ninja, sounds like every kid is a hoarder, makes me feel better that ever last one of them is a mess.

    @SingleMama, by "anxiety attack", you mean the "boy's not here, happy dance!"?

    @Cari, what the DQ showing drama?

  7. Glad you are back, Beard. You were missed!

  8. yo Mama8/12/2011

    Don't you remember your brother Josh how he hoarded? He would have holiday candy a year later.

  9. DSMama, thanks for the tip, your check's in the mail!

    yo Mama, bro' J. showed some serious hoarding tendencies growing up. He peaked the year he asked for plastic sandwich baggies for his birthday to store his junk in.

  10. Oh my. Are you me? Did I write this? Am I YOU?!!?


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