Aug 11, 2011

Varmint Vomit Loafers

What's the deal with kids and shoes?

Today, I picked through Pigtail's shoe cache to donate/cremate the duds.  How can a tiny punk barely 46 pounds inflict more hurt on a set of Targo-clogs than does Zeek at 390 crushing Crocs to Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies at a Weight Watchers hoedown? And why do they smell like a sick hamster crawled inside, heaved varmint vomit, then curled up and died?  What exactly goes down at the school playground? "Ouchie daddy, I stepped on a landmine toes feel funny."

Guess what Pigtails' cheap-ass dad gifted her when she turned 9?  Yeah, that's right, a $14 pair of size 3 pink sneak's from Target.  What you can't hear in the picture, but can almost see it if you squint, is:  Oh daddy, shoes, you are the best, thank you so much!!

Hugged them for minutes and carefully sat them next to her bed before zonking out.  They'll be destroyed within 3 days.

Does your kid posses a wretched pair of moccasins that burn on contact?  Send me a photo at and I'll post 'em up.  


P.S.  Free to good home:  Lovingly used pair of shoes, blue, girls size 2, slight odor.  Free or I'll pay you to take them. 


  1. LOL! Your first mistake was smelling them, brother!

    My nine year old can destroy a pair of shoes faster than anyone I've ever seen... oh, wait, my sons are worse and with twice the smell.

    I think they get it from their mother. (*whistles and looks away innocently)

  2. OMG!!! I bet you're the socks and underwear for Christmas Dad too!

    Well, I'd like to argue the quality point, but no. Kids destroy shoes no matter how expensive. For example, the $40 pair of glittery light up sneakers I bought for my 6 year old, which are barely hanging in there. Yes, lesson learned. Plus I think the disco lights in them were giving me seizures. I bought her a new even sparklier (yes, it is possible) pair at Wal-mart without the lights, and she's happy as a clam.

  3. Brandon, glad to hear my kid's not alone in making shoes smell worse than the inside of a dead monkey's colon.

    Cari, ask Pigtails if she's gotten socks and/or underwear for Christmas. Sad thing is she gets excited when opening said gifts. Sparkle shoes for the DQ, FTW!


Thanks for the note, check back for my response!