Aug 11, 2011

Varmint Vomit Loafers

What's the deal with kids and shoes?

Today, I picked through Pigtail's shoe cache to donate/cremate the duds.  How can a tiny punk barely 46 pounds inflict more hurt on a set of Targo-clogs than does Zeek at 390 crushing Crocs to Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies at a Weight Watchers hoedown? And why do they smell like a sick hamster crawled inside, heaved varmint vomit, then curled up and died?  What exactly goes down at the school playground? "Ouchie daddy, I stepped on a landmine again...my toes feel funny."


Guess what Pigtails' cheap-ass dad gifted her when she turned 9?  Yeah, that's right, a $14 pair of size 3 pink sneak's from Target.  What you can't hear in the picture, but can almost see it if you squint, is:  Oh daddy, shoes, you are the best, thank you so much!!

Hugged them for minutes and carefully sat them next to her bed before zonking out.  They'll be destroyed within 3 days.

Does your kid posses a wretched pair of moccasins that burn on contact?  Send me a photo at BeardandPigtails@gmail.com and I'll post 'em up.  

Thanks!
-Beard

P.S.  Free to good home:  Lovingly used pair of shoes, blue, girls size 2, slight odor.  Free or I'll pay you to take them. 

3 comments:

  1. LOL! Your first mistake was smelling them, brother!

    My nine year old can destroy a pair of shoes faster than anyone I've ever seen... oh, wait, my sons are worse and with twice the smell.

    I think they get it from their mother. (*whistles and looks away innocently)

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  2. OMG!!! I bet you're the socks and underwear for Christmas Dad too!

    Well, I'd like to argue the quality point, but no. Kids destroy shoes no matter how expensive. For example, the $40 pair of glittery light up sneakers I bought for my 6 year old, which are barely hanging in there. Yes, lesson learned. Plus I think the disco lights in them were giving me seizures. I bought her a new even sparklier (yes, it is possible) pair at Wal-mart without the lights, and she's happy as a clam.

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  3. Brandon, glad to hear my kid's not alone in making shoes smell worse than the inside of a dead monkey's colon.

    Cari, ask Pigtails if she's gotten socks and/or underwear for Christmas. Sad thing is she gets excited when opening said gifts. Sparkle shoes for the DQ, FTW!

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Thanks for the note, check back for my response!