Nov 13, 2012

Turkey Tantrum

Probably best to hurry up and unload my list of ungratefulness before Thanksgiving arrives next week.  Whining galore, here we go:

  • Milk cartons and orange juice containers with those annoying foil seals.  You know what I'm talking about, red faced as you apply 120 lbs. per square inch of force between thumb and pointer trying to remove the bloody thing.  Your fingers slip, the silver tab mocks and doesn't budge.  This is usually the moment another person walks into the kitchen and laughs...you tug again, fart from the effort, the seal suddenly rips free as liquid explodes.  Modern minds can create the iPad, why not E-Z-Peel Juicy Juice seals? 

  • Ink pens that don't work.  The plastic tube is full of ink, but it shoots blanks as you wildly scribble on a blank sheet.  Inexplicably, that same pen is leaking black goop all over your desk the next day.
  • Distracted drivers.  Especially when I'm running.  I've had a car pull out across the sidewalk and tap my shin with her bumper, the driver unaware of a 6 foot human being in front of her vehicle in broad daylight.  Perhaps she was busy posting Facebook updates about her kitty, Fuggins.  I smack her hood, she gives me the finger.  Another time I have the right of way at a crosswalk, a driver pulls out and nearly hits me, so I stop and run behind his car.  He puts it in reverse and almost backs over my legs, unaware I'm behind.  Be careful, it's easy to fatally injure a runner or biker when you're wheeling 4,000 pounds of minivan.
  • Adults at Wal*Mart shopping in their Tweety Bird pajamas.  There's also tattoos, crack and cleavage all over the place, 15" of plumber butt when Randy bends over to grab that 24-pack of Dew he knocked off the display.    
  • Pop culture in general.  Many singers, actors and athletes the common public adore are repulsive and sad role models.  Drug addicts, gang bangers and faux marriages littered with adultery, why do people look up to these clowns?
  • Attitude of indifference.  Over time, it seems our society is becoming more calloused, self absorbed and indifferent to the plight of others.  Passion, compassion and love, I crave them all, the antithesis of indifference. 
  • Pillsbury Doughboy, softener sheets Snuggles Bear with the Elmo voice, overused Internet memes and most varieties of cats.
  • Scary glass babies.  I get these Value Pack coupons in the mail each month for local business, things like savings on car washes, restaurants and dry cleaners.  There's usually also a coupon in there for this creepy life-like porcelain baby with strange eyes.  Sometimes Value Pack mixes it up and replaces demon baby with an offer for dinner plates with corny bald eagle scenes hand-painted on.  I'll take a picture and post it up next time, it's more funny than annoying.
  • Circumventing the reason for the season by calling it Turkey Day and Xmas.

What am I missing?

-Beard

51 comments:

  1. LOL. I have to agree with all of these, especially the pop culture one. Why, oh why???? It is sad and I think it has a lot to do with the general cultural lean of removing parent's as the number 1 factor in kid's lives. Ugh, don't even get me started on that one....

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Even Hanna Montana has gone bananas, I give up.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous11/13/2012

    Oh man, the Wal-Mart shoppers...Why do they always walk soooooo slow right smack in the middle of the aisle, making it impossible to pass? Also, I always seem to get the cashier that gives all cashiers a bad name.
    *rant finished*

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  3. I tend to get upset about pop culture, too, but try to remind myself that human nature has been like this and will be like this, world without end.

    And maybe try to let go of some anger about the Xmas thing. The X is just old shorthand for the cross.

    In fact, whenever I find myself upset about things like this, I try to remember there's something I'm probably not aware of and let it go. Sounds Pollyanna-ish, but really it's just pragmatism. My anger will not change someone else's behavior, and will only stress me out. Not worth it.

    Except in the case of almost getting hit on the sidewalk. I'd get that plate number and call the cops on her ass. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you for setting me straight on Xmas, I learned something new today from you and Wiki:

      The "-mas" part is from the Latin-derived Old English word for Mass,[1] while the "X" comes from the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter of the Greek word Χριστός, translated as "Christ".[2]

      I still say Turkey Day is missing the point, follow the comments a couple down and I'll explain.

      Cops don't do squat unless there's blood.

      Delete
  4. Melissa11/14/2012

    Hi Beard!

    I've been reading (lurking?) your blog since the very beginning (I was raised by a single dad, so I guess you caught my attention that way). I had to comment on this post because I agree with every.single.point you made! You seem to be an awesome dad with his priorities correctly lined up. Thank you for the reality check and for continuing to be thankful for the stuff that matters, especially God and your family.

    <3

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    Replies
    1. Thanks lurker, happy trails!

      Delete
  5. rocket science = take a knife or kitchen shear, poke a little hole in the seal, insert finger in the hole, make hole bigger, peel off foil.

    you can still appreciate the meaning of the day & still call it turkey day or xmas. i can't be the only "heathen" that enjoys her holidays w/ a little frivolity & mirth when addressing them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everybody stabs their seal. Your comment made me think of OJ, you know white bronco slow chase OJ.

      Bookworm up there set me straight on Xmas. Heathen isn't the word I had in mind, maybe this gets my point across better: We could replace "Birthday" with "Cake, Now!" day, or MLK Day with "Day Off Work and Sleep In Day", but that would miss the purpose of the holiday.

      Delete
    2. Just throwing this out there: people do call birthday "cake day". At least on the internets.

      Delete
  6. I think it's time that you forego the road and start running trails. It's MUCH safer! I haven't had any cars almost hit me on trail, although the occasional over-enthusiastic mountain biker has made me side-step on more than one occasion.

    As far as the pjs in public thing, we made a game out of it and enjoy it quite immensely. There are extra points given for soiled clothing, as well.

    I agree with all other points, almost to the point of raising my blood pressure! HA! I'll also add one of my (admittedly many) pet peeves, which is people adding an apostrophe to words in a failed attempt to pluralize said word. Poor grammer in general makes my skin crawl, but this one takes the cake.

    Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to you and yours!

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    Replies
    1. Trails are safer on the traffic side, but impractical when my only opportunity to run is a 60 minute slot over lunch in the middle of a city with few trails. Nothing like blasting a single-track in snow or mud on the mountain bike though, I smile every time.

      PJs in public is both game and repulsive, you can't help but stare in wonderment. Maybe I should try it this weekend, put on adult footie pajamas and hit up Wally World.

      Delete
  7. Here are some words/phrases that annoy the crap out of me:
    1) Forewarn - how do you pre-warn someone? Isn't that the point of warning?
    2) ATM Machine - "I need to go to the ATM Machine" is saying the Automatic Teller Machine Machine. Dumb.
    3) PIN Number - similar to above. Personal Identification Number Number. Dumb. Use #2 and #3 in a sentence together and watch smoke come out of my ears.
    4) "I'm just talking out loud". I hear that at work a lot. They probably mean 'thinking out loud'... but nonetheless generally speaking, yes, talking is done out loud. You are correct.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. How about the word "irregardless", I hear it used in conversation every couple months from people. Like a unicorn, it doesn't really exist.

      Extra exclamation marks are also annoying, also "candid".

      Can I be candid...I'm just talking out loud here, I'd like to forewarn you that irregardless of the PIN number you enter at the ATM machine, it won't spit out the cash to pay for your special Wal*Mart PJs!!!!

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    2. Literal lols!!!!!

      Delete
  8. LOVE the "fart from the effort" addition to that ez peel rant. I would have to agree...and as my step-dad would say, "farting is always funny"...but I guess in the case of the evil "ez peel" item, it's not funny. LOL

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    Replies
    1. Yes, everybody loves a good thunder dumpling.

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    2. BAAAAAHAHAHAHA! "Thunder Dumpling" ! I just laughed out loud. And at 29 weeks pregnant, I'm lucky I didn't pee my pants a little :)

      Delete
  9. Had the kids in the car the other day and as I backed out of a spot, a woman appeared in my windshield for all to behold: about two hundred pounds too many wearing clothing sized for a woman a third her size, skin and bra straps and tattoos oozing out from multiple directions; in short: she would fit right in on the People of WalMart site. As I cautioned the girls in the car to NEVER go out in public like that, my 9 year old son summed it pretty well: "Whoa! She needs some ADVICE!"

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    1. Well played by your son, sounds like "Wendy" needed both advice and a boost to her Just My Size control tops.

      Delete
  10. LOVE them all... but can we talk about Black Friday? Or as it's going to be this year, "Black Thursday Evening?" Disgusting that people will race out at 3am to go shopping for things they don't need just because they're on sale. Frankly, I'm saving my pennies for Shop Local Saturday, or I'm just not shopping. Don't we all have enough junk already?

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    Replies
    1. You got it, smart money is on Local Saturday or Cyber Monday. Monday deals on Amazon crush nearly everything else, free shipping and you do it in your Wal*Mart PJs.

      Delete
  11. yomamma11/14/2012

    What about sport "HEROS"? Why are they role models? Alot of them are doping or having a fling with someone other than their spouse.

    Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Jesus Birthday.

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    Replies
    1. Agree! I mentioned athlete punks in the post.

      Delete
  12. More rants:

    -lazy, lazy people who leave their carts outside their cars in the parking lot instead of walking the 30 feet to put in the cart rack. Seriously lazy and I'm tempted to volunteer my cart police services b/c I cringe when I see the cart blowing across the lot and crashing into others' cars. So dang lazy and so rude, selfish, and expensive for the victim vehicle.

    -me: "How are you?" Them: "Not too bad."
    Is life that bad that one must phrase it in the negative? Seriously, why not just say, "Hey, I'm great" (or fine or whatever) instead of relating it to how bad it isn't???

    -along those lines...
    me again: "I'm sorry you're sick."
    Them again: "It's not your fault."

    No Doy. What I want to say is, "No sh*t Sherlock...just trying to be nice and a wee bit sympathetic, but never mind."

    All better now. Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I think I can tell from some of your posts that you *might* be a bit of a negative person...maybe a melancholic temperament??? Maybe your next post ought to be something like "Favorite Sounds!!!" (Do you like the exclamation points?) I can even start you off with some of mine...
    -the ping when the canning jar lid seals after removing it from the water bath. Ahhh
    -a baby's swallow, giggle, really any noise they make even the little whimper with the curled up lip.

    (Reminds me of one of the worst noises out there...a baby's head hitting the ground...and yes, it has happened a few times to me but with seven kiddos I think I'm allowed to have a few crappy mom moments.)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Maybe lazy shoppers will end up in cart Purgatory some day. A place where rusty carts with wobbly wheels will repeatedly ram their Kias while they watch.

      I dare you: "No Doy. What I want to say is, 'No sh*t Sherlock...just trying to be nice and a wee bit sympathetic, but never mind.'"

      "I think I can tell from some of your posts that you *might* be a bit of a negative person...maybe a melancholic temperament?" <-- Yes, that.

      "Maybe your next post ought to be something like 'Favorite Sounds!!!'" --> An Advance-Rumely biting logs on the sawmill, the air horn start of a marathon stampede, hydraulic sounds and Pigtails saying "Daddy, can I snuggle?".

      Delete
    2. " the air horn start of a marathon stampede"

      My favorite race starts with bagpipes. Now THAT is an excellent way to start a race that begins at 0700!

      Delete
  13. This is timely. I got home from the grocery store last night and announced, "That's it. We're moving to a farm and growing our own food." I can't. handle. other. humans. Not when they're blocking the aisles texting, humming, yelling at their kids, and swearing at each other while I'm just trying to buy food.

    My husband exploded Tropicana all over his pants before work this morning. Aces for the foil top.

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    1. Zow, that's a wretched couple of days you've had. I've heard the hipster method is stabbing the foil scab on the Tropicana, Freddy Krueger style.

      Delete
  14. "It's All About Me" Drivers who fight (speed up, cut in, etc.) to get one car length ahead in a merge.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe the rude drivers are po'd about spraying Tropicana on their crotch?

      Delete
  15. Kathy H in TX11/15/2012

    Ha! I was about to close this window after reading these comments when I spied Pigtails Goal in the top corner ... Good for you! I never commented on that post (and frankly was shocked by some that disagreed with your method, rate, etc ... your kid + your business = not my place to judge, but whatev)but had to come back and say it's nice to see her progress!

    And since I'm here now, I have to agree with all of your Turkey Tantrum points. I'm sure I have plenty of my own to share, just can't think of them at the moment (yeah, still early, only one cuppa joe so far). So now that that's off your chest, how 'bout a Grateful Gushing post?

    Oh, and re this: "I think I can tell from some of your posts that you *might* be a bit of a negative person...maybe a melancholic temperament?" <-- Yes, that. If that is indeed the case, I personally think you do an awesome job of rising above it. (yeah, I've been lurking here for a while now too, only one comment prior to this one)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I asked for advice from readers on if I was being fair to my daughter, so expected and glad readers chimed in to disagree or agree with me. The comments are always far better than the post, and give me a good laugh.

      For sure I'm due for a GG post, fitting to try and squeeze that in next week with Thanksgiving on deck.

      Thanks Kathy~TX!

      Delete
  16. Thank you for your rant. It made me laugh out loud, and at the end of the day, I guess that's what we have to do, right? ...recognize the humor in our shared experience? Now my contribution: never mind the people who don't return their carts to the rack. How about the ones who leave them in your front yard? We live on the corner and we are the neighborhood lot for abandoned carts. Regarding your pop culture comment, to be specific: Chris Brown. The guy beats up his girlfriend and then dresses as Taliban for Halloween. And people still give him the time of day. Go figure. The man is a criminal. Also, I don't care how benign the explanation behind the usage of "Xmas". Is it that difficult to take the time to write out "Christmas"?

    I am going to limit myself, because I could go on and on. In recognition of my own shortcomings, I would like to apologize for being the source of irritation for someone else's rant. As a start, I am willing to cut back on exclamation points. ( I just did.) Please, please, don't make me give up ellipses....I am addicted. See?

    Thank you, Beard, for another great post. You are a great dad and a decent human being. You make us smile. I mean that emphatically.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A cart graveyard or barnyard? Should we expect to see a load of carts up for bid on eBay?

      Chris Brown is the poster boy of pop culture. Beats up his girlfriend, smokes Ju-Ju and is a general tool. Fans adore and fondle him.

      People must have delicate, sore wrists from all that typing. Spelling out Christmas is so dreadful compared to Xmas.


      Delete
  17. Wait, wait, wait. If those foil seals were meant to be poked with a pair of scissors, why do they come with a little tab? Just to taunt us? Reminds me of comic Rich Hall's term for "man-handling the 'open here' spout on a milk carton so badly that you must resort to using the 'illegal' side"....it's called "lactomangulation".

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous11/15/2012

    Nope, Yup, that about sums it up ~ Joanie

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  19. You know what really gets me going? The lack of modesty, from everyone, in every environment. Some of these people needed to be reminded that no everyone wants to see their cleavage and this is a place of business not a club. COVER UP PEOPLE!

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    Replies
    1. Did your neighbor wear his buttless chaps to Piggly Wiggly again?

      Delete
    2. How did you know......or was that you?

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    3. Da-bump-ching...rimshot!

      Delete
  20. I can't stand it when I take my kid to see a G-rated movie and am shown R-rated trailers! Why do they do this?

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    Replies
    1. R-rated TV commercials at night when I'm watching a family show with my daughter are troubling. Why does every 20-second clip need to make a shex joke? I usually have to pretend cough or yell "HEY, LOOKIE OVER THERE" to distract Pigtails.

      Delete
  21. Anonymous11/15/2012

    Two things: 1) Why aren't politicians (don't even start picking sides -- both are guilty) mortally ashamed when fact checkers show that they have said something untrue? Why do we even have to have fact checkers? Okay 2 1/2 things: I wish people could take a stand by saying what they LIKE about their candidate rather than what they don't like about the other. 2) Just a little educational bit here for y'all: I know it's counter-intuitive; but unless you're in England, the period or comma goes INSIDE the quotation marks. E.g. He said, "Pigtails is just the cutest kid!" But take note! For some inexplicable reason, semicolons go OUTSIDE the quotation marks -- of course that situation hardly ever happens. I'm sure you were all dying to know that little piece of trivia ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1) Because they are politicians.
      1.5) See above.
      2) Yeah, I mess up sometimes on punctuation within quotes. Here's more: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp

      Delete
  22. I hate those silver seals of death!! I end up using a knife anyway and then use my teeth to get the left over bits so that people don't know that I can't open them. I love how passionate you are about life. I think that passion is almost a dying skill. Perhaps if music was more thoughtful in its themes and messages we could fix two of our pet peeves (bad pop culture and apathy.)
    ES- Canada

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    Replies
    1. Gross, now everyone knows you gnaw at the evil seals with your teeth.

      I need to simmer down sometimes so I'm not annoying everyone with my passion, but it feels good to let her rip every so often. It's important for people to do some critical thinking to help them really know what they believe and why. Then be ready to support and defend their position when necessary. Otherwise, we're like paper in the wind.

      Delete
  23. i wouldn't call your posts pessimistic, i'd call them realistic. you should add picture menus, typos in print, "my child is an honor student" bumper stickers, folks who park illegally at the school to pick up their kid instead of in a space like the rest of us, not taking full advantage of your cars turn signal, and gas stations that let you pull in from any direction. on military bases, you pull in from one direction to get your gas and it makes life easier for everyone!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pessimistic sometimes, not a good trait.

      Best in your list is picture menus. Have we really gotten that lazy that we don't even have to speak when ordering a double-stack Baconator under the Golden Arches? Just a grunt and point at the giant picture of greasy melted meat.

      Delete
  24. I love your blog. I used to read every day, then bc of time constraints would just check in every few days, but bc of this particular piece, I am now going to check in every day again. This is hysterical. You had me at the (can't believe I just typed that but it seems appropo)ez peel comment, which I experienced just this week with our new jug of oj. Naturally, I can't think of the many equally frustrating irritants I come across almost daily at this moment, but there are many. Many. And yes; if you were a music idol or athlete or actor that got paid obscene amts of money and had your name and face in the news all the time, don't you think you would use that platform to just be a little bit responsible and or grateful and or just try to be a decent person who would use his fame and money to try to spread some type of goodness in the world and be a good role model for all the kids and people out there watching you?

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Thanks for the note, check back for my response!