Probably best to hurry up and unload my list of ungratefulness before Thanksgiving arrives next week. Whining galore, here we go:
- Milk cartons and orange juice containers with those annoying foil seals. You know what I'm talking about, red faced as you apply 120 lbs. per square inch of force between thumb and pointer trying to remove the bloody thing. Your fingers slip, the silver tab mocks and doesn't budge. This is usually the moment another person walks into the kitchen and laughs...you tug again, fart from the effort, the seal suddenly rips free as liquid explodes. Modern minds can create the iPad, why not E-Z-Peel Juicy Juice seals?
- Ink pens that don't work. The plastic tube is full of ink, but it shoots blanks as you wildly scribble on a blank sheet. Inexplicably, that same pen is leaking black goop all over your desk the next day.
- Distracted drivers. Especially when I'm running. I've had a car pull out across the sidewalk and tap my shin with her bumper, the driver unaware of a 6 foot human being in front of her vehicle in broad daylight. Perhaps she was busy posting Facebook updates about her kitty, Fuggins. I smack her hood, she gives me the finger. Another time I have the right of way at a crosswalk, a driver pulls out and nearly hits me, so I stop and run behind his car. He puts it in reverse and almost backs over my legs, unaware I'm behind. Be careful, it's easy to fatally injure a runner or biker when you're wheeling 4,000 pounds of minivan.
- Adults at Wal*Mart shopping in their Tweety Bird pajamas. There's also tattoos, crack and cleavage all over the place, 15" of plumber butt when Randy bends over to grab that 24-pack of Dew he knocked off the display.
- Pop culture in general. Many singers, actors and athletes the common public adore are repulsive and sad role models. Drug addicts, gang bangers and faux marriages littered with adultery, why do people look up to these clowns?
- Attitude of indifference. Over time, it seems our society is becoming more calloused, self absorbed and indifferent to the plight of others. Passion, compassion and love, I crave them all, the antithesis of indifference.
- Pillsbury Doughboy, softener sheets Snuggles Bear with the Elmo voice, overused Internet memes and most varieties of cats.
- Scary glass babies. I get these Value Pack coupons in the mail each month for local business, things like savings on car washes, restaurants and dry cleaners. There's usually also a coupon in there for this creepy life-like porcelain baby with strange eyes. Sometimes Value Pack mixes it up and replaces demon baby with an offer for dinner plates with corny bald eagle scenes hand-painted on. I'll take a picture and post it up next time, it's more funny than annoying.
- Circumventing the reason for the season by calling it Turkey Day and Xmas.
What am I missing?